


Bad Santa

by jashinist_feminist



Category: Naruto
Genre: Babies, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas With Family, F/M, Family Fluff, Toddlers, Visiting Santa Claus, kakuzu as santa, kakuzu will hate hidan...forever, sasori as an elf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 05:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17016537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jashinist_feminist/pseuds/jashinist_feminist
Summary: Hidan and Konan take their kids to see Santa. But when things go awry, Hidan has a plan, and Kakuzu is NOT happy...





	Bad Santa

**Author's Note:**

> Here is my third instalment of Jashfem's Christmas! This could probably be considered a sequel to my hidakona fic, after Konan has their baby boy Phoenix. Here you will meet baby Summer <3 can you guess why the kids have their names?
> 
> Also, as a heads up, the rest of the akatsuki is considered the kids' family - Kakuzu is their granddad, Dei is Phoenix's godfather, Sasori is Summer's godfather, Nagato is their uncle, etc.

There was a skip in Konan’s step as she wheeled the pram towards the garden centre.

“I can’t believe you’re so happy,” Hidan stared at her, bemused.

“I never got to do any of this stuff when I was a kid,” replied Konan. She wore a light grey and white fairisle printed scarf over a matching light grey tailored winter coat. The coat was open, to show a cheerful red Christmas jumper, with the slogan, _‘Let’s Make Out,’_ knitted in white wool, completed with a decorative piece of mistletoe above the slogan. Hidan had taken the slogan jumper rather literally a few times.

Hidan didn’t wear a Christmas jumper, and instead wore a plain black sweater underneath his usual leather jacket with the oversized fur hood. His Jashinist pendent swung freely over his sweater, glinting and reminding passers-by of his allegiance to Jashin.

“Didn’t Jiraiya ever take you all…?” asked Hidan.

“Well, he did, but by then, we were too old at that age,” explained Konan, as they approached the first decorative bushes covered in fake snow and fairy lights. “We were streetwise kids anyway, and when we met Santa at the kids home…Nagato just pulled his beard off and called him a consumerist phoney.”

“Figures,” muttered Hidan. He gestured to their two-year-old son Phoenix as Hidan carried him in one arm, and their one-year-old daughter Summer as she curled under a blanket in the pram. “So are you trying to re-live Christmas through these two?”

“And?” Konan shrugged, as they neared the entrance of the garden centre. Phoenix immediately lurched forwards out of Hidan’s arms, trying to grab some of the dangling twinkling lights from the door to the shop.

“Oi, no, kiddo, no!” Hidan scolded, prising Phoenix’s hand from the lights. His son pouted at him in response, his amber eyes widened with protest. “I’ll buy you some of your own to play with.”

“Look how magical is it!” Konan enthusiastically exclaimed, reaching around to pinch Phoenix’s cheek. Christmas tunes blared from speakers around the garden centre, and a rainbow of tinsel dangled from the walls, gleaming in the bright store lights. Fake Christmas trees stood up with more tinsel, more fairy lights, and baubles and angels dangling from every branch. Various Christmas-themed displays decorated the whole store. Hidan looked around, trying to take it all in, but the brightness practically blinded him.

“This is Christmas heaven,” announced Konan.

“What, with that terrifying giant robin coming to eat you?” asked Hidan, pointing upright to a hanging display of a red-breasted robin with outstretched clawed talons above their heads. It seemed to reach out for them, and the breeze from the door made the robin wave dangerously, looming ever closer towards them.

“Hidan!” scolded Konan. Then her eyes went wide as she spotted something across the room, on the opposite side to where they stood beneath the robin. “Look! Look at the polar bear!”

Hidan turned to look where she was pointing, and saw a life-sized furry white polar bear as the centre point of a north pole themed display. It stood upright with its arms outstretched towards the visitors. Fluffy wool snow was stuck around the bear and to the backdrop of the Arctic scene. Several families were taking pictures of their kids sitting in front of the bear, so that they all crouched in the north pole display.

“I want a picture with it too,” announced Konan.

“It looks hungry,” said Hidan, as they approached the bear and could see its black tongue and black eyes. “Look at its eyes.”

“Stop it!” scolded Konan. She bent over the pram, and unfastened Summer, lifting her up and into her arms. When the next lot of people left, Konan knelt in front of the polar bear, holding Summer on her lap, while Phoenix obediently trotted into the picture next to her. Konan wrapped her free arm around him. “That’s it, kids, look at daddy. Smile!”

Hidan held up his iPhone and opened the camera app. He pointed it towards them. “You just need to put some blood on the bear and then it will be perfect.”

“Hidan!” Konan frowned.

The camera snapped, so that the picture showed Summer and Phoenix smiling happily while Konan frowned instead.

“Ha!” chortled Hidan, looking at it.

“Take a nice one,” insisted Konan.

Hidan pointed the iPhone at her again. “Maybe string some guts up around its paws too…”

“Hidan!” Konan climbed upright, and herded the kids away from the bear. Another family nearby were glaring at Hidan, but Hidan didn’t seem to care.

“Let’s go and see the next thing,” said Hidan, taking the pram and wheeling it further into the garden centre. There was another display of a cosy wood log cabin above his head, with a waving Santa figure leaning out and waving at the passers-by.

In a low voice, the waving Santa boomed a series of ‘ho ho ho’ out in time to each wave. Hidan stared at it, wondering why this was considered ‘good,’ or a remotely fun way to spend the season.

“Aren’t you going to have your photo taken with Santa?” asked Konan, as Phoenix and Summer trotted along beside her, each of them clinging to her hands with their tiny fingers.

“I’m a Jashinist. It’s blasphemy,” scorned Hidan.

“To take a picture with Santa?” asked Konan.

“Yes,” replied Hidan.

Konan gave him a look.

Hidan reluctantly stood beneath the Santa and put his thumb up. Konan let go of Phoenix’s hand to point her phone at him, while Hidan pouted at the camera.

“Daddy, smile!” chirped Phoenix.

Hidan grinned manically.

Konan pressed, and the camera snapped a picture. Hidan released himself from the pose, and they trotted along following Phoenix at his little baby pace, until he stopped in front of a round wooden barrel with tiny little windows to look through.

“What’s that, baby?” asked Konan.

Phoenix leant forwards, resting his hands on the round barrel, and stared through the tiny little windows.

“Little people!” he chirped.

Konan bent down to his level, and peered in through the window next to him. “That’s right! Little elves! It’s a miniature Christmas village!”

Hidan bent down and peered in. “What is the point of making all that?”

“Hidan!” chided Konan, pulling out her phone, holding it to the tiny window to take several pictures. “Oh, Sasori would love this.”

“Unca Sassy!” beamed Phoenix.

Konan snapped a picture of the miniature Christmas village from one of the tiny little windows, whilst Summer peered in through the other window at the gingerbread houses and icing snow. Hidan held her upright so she didn’t topple in head first while she looked in. When she’d finished, Summer turned around and outstretched her arms, cuddling close to Hidan.

“Awww, did you want a hug with daddy?” asked Hidan, tucking his arm around her. Summer immediately reached for his Jashinist pendent, turning it over in her tiny hands and watching the silver glint in the twinkling fairy lights strung up above the ceiling. “Oh, she knows where her loyalties lie! Good girl!”

They climbed back up, and wandered over to some Christmas stockings hanging up on a display against the wall. Both of their kids had Christmas stockings already from the previous year, but a giant stocking that was almost as big as Hidan was caught his eye.

“Hey, look, Konan!” Hidan pulled it off the rack and held it up. “I’ve finally found a stocking for you to fit all my presents in!”

Konan gave him an amused look. “As if I’d buy you that many presents.”

“Awww, come on, babe!” protested Hidan. “I’m worth it, I swear!”

Konan chortled with laughter, and the two toddlers laughed with her.

“These two are expensive enough as it is,” replied Konan, stroking Phoenix’s silvery hair in one hand, and Summer’s blue hair in the other.

Hidan lowered the stocking, and then clamoured inside, pulling it up over his waist to nearly swallow his whole body. “Hey look! Now I’m your present. I’m the gift that keeps on giving!”

Hidan shuffled along inside the stocking.                   

“Right, come along kids, bye daddy!” waved Konan, herding the toddlers along, while Hidan could only shuffle.

“Hey, no!” protested Hidan. “Wait for daddy!”

Konan and the toddlers ran to a new display, and then stood back and watched. A giant fur-covered plastic reindeer leant out of a stable mounted against the wall, neighing, whinnying and exclaiming ‘Merry Christmas!’ as people walked past it.

“What is that?” asked Hidan, once he’d finally caught up. The reindeer’s glass eyes bulged at him, and the antlers wobbled precariously.

“It’s one of Santa’s reindeer!” Konan knelt beside the children and pointed up for them to look, as the reindeer moved its head from side to side. “Look babies!”

The kids looked warily up at the reindeer.

“Look how terrified they are,” scorned Hidan. “Tell me how that’s kid-friendly?”

“It’s supposed to be cute,” insisted Konan.

“Sure it is,” said Hidan, as the bulging eyes of the reindeer widened at him and the plastic antlers flapped back and forth. The kids shuffled away, not impressed by the reindeer at all. Hidan followed them, pushing the pram.

“Oh look!” Konan pointed to a model of a round Christmas pudding. There were two small holes either side of the pudding, and a larger hole at the top. She bent down, and crawled inside, her head popping out the top, and her hands waving from either side. “Look at mummy! I’m a pie!”

Hidan reached across and rapped on the pudding with his knuckles. “Does this roll? Maybe I ought to give it a kick!”

“Hey!” protested Konan, struggling free from the pudding. Both the kids laughed at her frantic struggling to be free. Eventually Konan ducked out of the pudding, and stood upright. She straightened her winter coat, and the festive Christmas paper flower she had decorated her hair with.

“Nearly got stuck there, didn’t you?” taunted Hidan.

“Stop that!” Konan batted his arm with the back of her hand. The atmosphere had turned relaxed and calm, and the kids toddled along sweetly. They carried on through the store, until they reached the back doors, leading out to the shed at the back of the store which had been converted into Santa’s Grotto.

Once outside, Christmas trees lined the pathway into the grotto, and they were covered in a thick layer of pretend snow. Candy canes were stuck into plant pots beside smaller fir trees, and decorated with more snow. Tinsel lined the very edge of the path as they walked towards it.

“Look how magical it is,” Konan bent down to the children’s height, and pointed to the outside of the grotto. The large stable doors showed a peek into the room, where it looked dark inside but for the glowing fairy lights. “We’ll take a selfie there afterwards, a nice one of us all together to go with the holiday one where Phoenix shoved his ice cream up your nose at the last minute.”

“Yes, I remember,” Hidan groaned.

“Hahaha!” shrieked Phoenix.

“Don’t laugh, you! Sack of coal for you this year,” retorted Hidan.

“There’s a queue,” frowned Konan, as they drew closer.

“Clearly Santa has lots of kids to see,” said Hidan, pushing the pram. Summer had crawled back inside and lay beneath her white crochet blanket cuddling the doll Sasori had made for her when she was born, worn out from the walking. Konan scooped Phoenix up, and made her way to the end of the queue. They waited in the line until they were greeted by a man dressed as an elf.

Hidan zoned out, instead focusing on making sure Summer hadn’t fallen asleep and wouldn’t miss the visit, and readjusting the blankets in the pram so that she was warm and comfortable.

“What do you mean we had to book?” frowned Konan.

Hidan glanced up from attending to his daughter, to discover his wife arguing with the guy dressed as an elf.

“I didn’t know you had to book in _September_!” Konan looked aghast. “I thought you could just drop-by to these…”

The guy dressed as the elf explained how popular their grotto was, and Konan looked utterly devastated.

“Can’t we book here now?” asked Konan, hitching Phoenix further up on her hip. His amber eyes gazed hopefully at the tinsel decorated entrance as another family disappeared inside. “Or just slip in between other people? We won’t be too long…our kids are really young and don’t understand what’s going on yet…”

Hidan watched as the elf guy shook his head, and Konan’s shoulders slumped. She turned around, carrying Phoenix with her sagging arms.

“We were meant to have booked,” she sighed disappointedly. “They can’t slip us in either…I’m devastated.”

“It looks rubbish anyway, Koko,” comforted Hidan.

“No, it doesn’t! It looks brilliant,” Konan held Phoenix close, resting her chin on top of his head and inhaling his baby scent. “They’re going to remember this now, for the rest of their lives…I’m going to remember this for the rest of my life…”

“No they won’t! They’re so young. We’ll come again next year and I’ll book it,” replied Hidan.

“Who turns a pair of kids away from Santa, anyway?” asked Konan.

“Heartless bastards,” scorned Hidan, raising his voice so that it carried on the wind over to the people dressed up as the elves.

“Language!” hissed Konan, covering Phoenix’s ears with one hand. She kissed his chubby cheek and stroked his silver hair. “I’m sorry, baby.”

Konan hitched Phoenix further up on her hip, and Hidan wheeled the pram out of the garden centre, and back to the car. Hidan carefully lifted the sleeping Summer from the pram to the baby car seat. Konan strapped Phoenix into his toddler seat, and made sure that the kids were both comfortable, before slumping in the front passenger seat.

“I’m devastated,” sighed Konan, running her hand through her blue hair and disrupting the little paper flower pinned to her bun.

“I’ll sort this,” offered Hidan, sitting in the driver’s seat. “I’ll find us a Santa.”

“Really?” Konan raised her eyebrows. “And how many Santas do you know?”

Hidan didn’t reply, instead tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he thought to himself.

“None,” finished Konan.

“I’ll find us a Santa,” insisted Hidan.

“Really? And not a terrifying Jashinist Santa either…I don’t want the kids traumatised…”

“I will find a Santa!” insisted Hidan. “In fact, I will find a Santa who hates Jashinism, ok?”

Konan frowned. “But you don’t know any Santas!”

“I might not know any Santas,” admitted Hidan. A mischievous grin spread across his lips as an idea gathered at the front of his brain. “But I do know an old man...”

* * *

“…is this your idea of an extremely bad joke?” demanded Kakuzu.

“No,” Hidan shook his head. “Please, Kakuzu, Konan is devastated and the kids are upset.”

“I am not doing it. No way,” Kakuzu folded his arms.

“Please!” begged Hidan.

“I hate Christmas,” glowered Kakuzu.

“So do I!” insisted Hidan. “But it means so much to Konan and the kids!”

Kakuzu sighed heavily. “How upset was Konan?”

“I thought she was going to start a fight with a guy dressed as an elf,” admitted Hidan.

Kakuzu silently chewed his lip. “…fine.” 

* * *

Konan sat in the dining room, with both the kids sitting in their high chairs. Phoenix picked at his dinner with his little child-sized knife and fork, whilst Summer held her mouth open as Konan spoon fed her dinner.

Hidan was suspiciously missing. He’d been missing for most of the day since they’d arrived back from the garden centre, but Konan supposed he was giving her some space. She was still upset, and even looking at her kids’ faces now was making her upset, to think that her plan to take them do some of the fun childhood things she’d missed out on at their age had gone awry.

Suddenly, a figure appeared the window of the back door and knocked. Konan glanced up to witness Hidan grinning enthusiastically as he opened the door from the outside.

“Hey babe!” he announced cheerily. “I’ve sorted Santa out!”

Konan frowned. “What? How?”

“Santa!” chirped Phoenix, sitting upright in his chair.

“See, he’s excited!” said Hidan. He bent down and grabbed the kids’ shoes from beside the doorway. “Come on, we’ve got to go and meet him!”

Konan put Summer’s shoes on for her, while Hidan helped Phoenix with the straps of his trainers. Obediently, the kids trotted out the back door, down the pathway, towards the garage at the bottom of the garden where Kakuzu usually stored his car.

But the outside of the garage had been decorated with tinsel and fairy lights, and by the door stood none other than Sasori. Sasori was dressed in a clashing green and red elf outfit with a white peter pan collar, complete with a green and red matching elf hat with a jingle bell dangling from the end, jammed on top of his red hair.

“Ho. Ho. Ho,” stated Sasori, in an unimpressed monotone voice. “Merry Christmas. I have come to introduce you to Santa.”

“Uncle Sassy!” beamed Phoenix, running towards Sasori with his arms outstretched.

“No, no, this is an elf. From the north pole,” explained Hidan. He pointed directly at Sasori. “Look how short he is!”

Sasori looked like he was about to kick Hidan between the buttocks with the pointy boots he wore.

“Sass! Sass!” Summer lifted her hands out to Sasori.

“Are you going to come inside and say hello to Santa?” asked Sasori.

Konan gave a dramatic gasp, and bent down to Phoenix’s height. “Did you hear that, baby? Santa is here!”

“Santa!” cooed Phoenix. “Santa!”

“Come inside,” Sasori pushed open the door, to reveal the inside of the garage.

Inside the garage, Hidan had plastered the walls with red Christmas-themed wrapping paper so that miniature Christmas puddings and candy canes blared down at them. He had even strung up fairy lights across the ceiling and squirted fake snow over the floor. Not only had he papered the walls, but he had also wrapped up the entire contents of the garage, including Kakuzu’s car, which he stuck an elaborate purple bow on top of so that it looked like a giant present.

A very miserable looking Kakuzu sat in a red velvet covered chair in front of the car, his downturned mouth concealed behind a fake white beard. He was wearing a Santa costume, with extra padding to make him look squishy rather than beefy and muscled. A Santa hat with a silver jingle bell on the end dangled over his bloodshot green eyes, which practically screamed “murder!” and his arms were folded.

“Ho ho ho, I hear there have been some good children this year,” Kakuzu grunted, forcing himself to speak in a jovial tone.

Konan doubled over, almost howling with laughter.

“Look, say hello to Santa!” encouraged Hidan.

“Granddad!” Phoenix reached for Kakuzu.

“No, its Santa!” insisted Hidan. He pointed at Kakuzu. “Look how… _jolly_ he is! Are you going to sit on his knee?”

Phoenix clamoured onto Kakuzu’s lap, and Kakuzu tucked an arm around him and held him close.

“Have you been a good boy, Phoenix?” asked Kakuzu.

“Yes!” Phoenix bounced up and down excitedly.

“I heard your dad has been a very naughty boy this year, I’m very cross with him,” Kakuzu glared at Hidan from underneath the cheery Santa hat, as it clashed horribly with his miserable expression. Hidan sniggered, covering his mouth with his hand. He slipped his hand in his pocket, reaching for his phone as Kakuzu turned back to Phoenix. “But what do you want for Christmas this year, Phoenix?”

“A dog,” announced Phoenix.

“I heard your granddad doesn’t let people have dogs in his house,” replied Kakuzu, patting Phoenix’s shoulder. Hidan could hardly help himself as he snapped a picture of Kakuzu in the Santa outfit and with his kid on his lap. “Maybe lower your expectations?”

“Cat?” asked Phoenix.

Kakuzu tilted his head. “He might consider it.”

“Are you going to say hi to Santa, Summer?” asked Konan, bending down to her youngest as she gazed up at Kakuzu and Phoenix.

“Granda,” Summer toddled forwards, and clasped Kakuzu’s knee. Kakuzu hauled her up on his other knee, opposite her brother, and held her close. She reached up, and gripped the white beard with one hand.

“No, leave Santa’s beard alone,” said Kakuzu. Summer freed her hand, and the beard slipped dangerously low. “What would you like for Christmas this year, Summer?”

Summer sucked at her thumb, and gazed up at him, before pulling her thumb free. “Jashin!”

“What?” asked Kakuzu.

“Jashin!” Summer announced.

“Awwwwww, my baby,” sobbed Hidan, wiping his eyes as he snapped another picture. “I’ve raised her well!”

“Well, I have two presents here, to tide you both over for now,” said Kakuzu. Sasori reached behind the wrapped up car and handed over two presents. “I’ve got one for each of you.”

Phoenix accepted his and curiously turned it over, staring at the brightly coloured wrapping paper, and Summer clasped hers in both hands, unsure of what to do with it.

“What do you say, babies?” asked Konan.

“Thank you!” chirped Phoenix.

“Thank! Thank!” Summer parroted.

“All right, off you go, Santa has some other children to visit now,” growled Kakuzu, lifting the children off his lap.

They ran back to Konan, who hugged them both tightly, pressing a kiss to each of their foreheads.

“Come on, let’s go back inside and have dinner, and let Santa get back to work,” Konan led the two children out of the garage, and then Sasori closed the door behind them. She turned to Sasori, and then bent down, enveloping him in a hug. Sasori patted her back gently. Konan plonked a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Sasori.”

“Don’t thank me, thank your idiot husband,” Sasori rolled his eyes.

Back inside the garage, Kakuzu ripped off the beard furiously, and glowered at Hidan.

“I hate you so much, Hidan,” he seethed.

“You were loving it,” taunted Hidan, flicking through his phone, admiring the photos. “You love my kids. You loved seeing how happy they were. You love being granddad.”

“Shut it,” Kakuzu growled, yanking off the Santa hat. He glowered at Hidan. “You owe me now. One hundred pounds. For the whole torture session!”

**Author's Note:**

> Awwww! Isn't it hilarious what people will do to keep kids happy?


End file.
